Unwanted Advice

If you have a child with ADHD or Autism, the chances are that at some point, you have been the recipient of unwanted advice.

I suppose that the very worst type is unwanted advice from complete strangers, who see your kid having a major meltdown in the street and just HAVE to wade in with their opinion...

But it is advice from well-meaning friends that "gets" to me the most.

I think the problem originates in the way that the friend reacts to your conversations about your child.

I don't think they always understand that you sometimes want to "sound off" about stuff that is going on. Just because you are talking about some aspect of your child's behaviour, doesn't necessarily mean that you are asking that person for advice or a solution. Most of the time, you just want to talk about things.

We all know people that think that they must provide a "solution" to everything we bring up in conversation. If you mention you are going out somewhere, they butt in with a huge list of directions to the place before you've even had chance to explain that "I know exactly where it is, thank you".

I know that they are trying to be helpful, trying to be a good friend even, but it is really annoying!

So now that I have mentioned that my son might have ADHD, people feel they need to "fix" the situation by giving me lots of unwanted advice.

I have received the whole gamut in just a few days; the fact that I should go and buy OTC sedatives from the pharmacist (I don't think so), discipline him more, stop giving in to him, blah blah blah. One friend even offered to come round on evening to give me some "parenting advice". Er, thanks.


It all becomes background noise.

Sometimes I DO want advice. Sometimes I'm crying out for advice! It's just the unwanted advice I don't like. If I want advice, I will ask my family, or a health professional, or an organisation that deals with autism.

So please, if you are reading this and you are a person prone to giving unwanted advice to others, please stop! Be a good friend, be a hearing ear, nod in the right places, but don't wade in with your opinions, unless you are asked for them.

If, on the other hand, you are reading this because you are the recipient of unwanted advice, you have my deepest sympathy. Please try to be tolerant to your friends, they are only trying to help. Perhaps you should invest in a small set of earplugs...

And if you know that your friends are prone to give advice every time you mention your child's condition, maybe it is time to start talking about something else when they are around!

Attack Mode

The simplest of pleasures, like a day out with family, can turn quickly into a disaster if you don't have your eye on the ball, ESPECIALLY of your child has autism.

We took a nice family trip to the science museum today. There was a new, outdoor, section called the "science garden" with lots of lovely interactive features. One area had a water feature where you could race plastic ducks. My son was obsessed with it.

We were busy looking at a water wheel and I thought that my son was right by us, but unbeknownst to me, he had wandered off back to the ducks.

At that moment I heard and almighty scream! I turned around to see my son yelling at the top of his voice because a kid had squirted water at him. Not only that but the kid and his whole family were laughing at my sons extreme reaction.

He didn't take well to being laughed at and gave and almighty roar before launching himself at the laughing family, teeth bared and fists flailing.

Luckily we managed to grab him before he thumped someone.

Unfortunately, wherever you go, there will always be inconsiderate IDIOTS who spoil the fun. A simple apology from the child would have prevented things from escalating, but no, they have to point and laugh, don't they?

And as for my son? He's got to learn that people can be like that sometimes. He has got to stop overreacting. He needs to control himself better. It is going to take time. But if he doesn't learn this important skill, life is going to be tough. You can't go round hitting everyone who upsets you, even if you feel like it...

And me? Well, I need eyes in the back of my head, but I doubt if even the science museum can provide me with those.

Return to CAMHS

 Some time last year, I wrote about our uneventful visit to CAHMS. During the visit, my son sat like an angel, which resulted in us being quickly discharged and dismissed!

This time was different. During THIS visit, my son was his usual bouncy self. He shouted, he spun round and round, he interrupted and he told the counsellor that he was boring...

The funniest moment was when the counsellor started a sentence and my son interrupted him.

 Man: Your son is a child...

Son: WHAT???. Obviously I'm a child! What are you talking about?

Me: He hadn't finished his sentence. Just listen.

Man: Your son is a child...

Son: You already said that. I am a child.

Me: Just let the man talk!

Man: ...your son is a child who has needs that we can address here at CAHMS.

I was so relieved that the poor man got to finish his sentence, although he did indicate that my sons constant shuffling, interruptions and lack of understanding of danger may be symptoms of ADHD. Further sessions with specialists may reveal a further diagnosis.

It was an eventful visit and we have been out on a waiting list to have further sessions.

How to Get Noticed by Staff

Sometimes it's handy to have a child with autism around...

Yesterday's was at the local hospital visiting an elderly friend. I arrived at the ward and the staff were acting like I was completely invisible. The receptionist was looking down, shuffling papers, other staff members were chatting amongst themselves. I only wanted to ask someone which bay my friend was on.

Suddenly my son, who has sensory issues, screamed out loud "IT STINKS IN HERE!!!! GET ME OUT, GET ME OUT!!!!". It was a ward for the elderly and to be honest, the smell of urine and other things was quite overwhelming, even for me.

Anyway, suddenly a big bustling nurse came out, asking what the problem was. I was swiftly directed to my friend and got the help I needed.

Now THATS how to get quick customer service. I'm thinking of taking him everywhere now; the ideal solution to all my customer service needs!

Charlotte's Tandems

I just got this in an email today, so I thought I'd share....

Charlotte's Tandems is a Registered Charity that lends tandems to people with additional needs or disabilities for FREE.  We are different to many other charities as our Borrowers have the use of our bikes for two months in their own time.

Have a look at our website to see how much fun people can have on our bikes.

Please could you tell your contacts about us and put us on your website and newsletters?

Best wishes,

Alex Reeves

Charlotte's Tandems

CharlottesTandems.co.uk

Registered Charity 1148053

Click on these words for links to the Borrower's Form, the Charlotte's Tandems Facebook group, Twitter Feed @CharlottesTand and our Video

...sounds cool and I like the fact that it is free!

Encouraging Independent Dressing Skills

I used to dress my son every morning but now he is getting older, his privacy is becoming more important to him.

I have a system in place that seems to work for us and encourage him to dress himself.

Firstly I try and buy clothes that are easy for him to out on and off. Things like t shirts are ideal and so are elasticated track suit bottoms that he can just pull up and down. I try and limit the amount of clothing I buy with fastenings and buttons and zippers, although this can't always be avoided.

In his wardrobe, he has two big tubs and two small baskets. One tub has t shirts inside, the other has track suit bottoms. The small baskets contain underpants and socks respectively. His more formal clothes are on hangers at the back, out of his way.

When he gets up in the morning, he simply selects an item from each tub and dresses himself. It is a nice simple method and allows him to feel grown up.

Socialising and Autism

My son isn't great at social skills.

He can't read the emotions of others very well and he has a tendency to concentrate on his own needs and feelings first. He can't read a room and he doesn't take cues from the body language of others.

Last week we went ice skating and everyone was skating anticlockwise. He skated clockwise, which seemed to sum his general outlook quite well; the boy who skates clockwise in an anticlockwise world.

Since we have been homeschooling, I have been even more eager to seek out opportunities for interaction with others. I'm signed up to goodness know how many newsletters for home edders and parents of special needs kids and generally, if something is organised and it is nearby, we will join in.

So I got an email a few days ago about a local sports group for disabled kids and their siblings and the good news was that it was a short walk from my home. I love anything like this because the other parents don't look at you like you've got two heads when your kid is acting oddly. With special needs families there is a kind of "we are all in it together" buddy mentality and natural camaraderie.

So I turned up with my son and received a warm welcome. So far so good.

The first game was where you dance around and have to run into a corner. All of the corners have colours and then someone picks a colour and everyone in that corner is out. My son was "out" very early in the game, which caused him to stomp off in a rage.

He soon found the chill out room, which was full of food and drinks. Whilst the other kids played together in the main room, my son sat on his own in the other room. He complained it was too noisy in the hall and he needed to get away to chill out.

When he did finally rejoin the group, they had moved on to team games, which he had no concept of. He soon tired of all the teamwork and whilst the other kids cooperated nicely in a game of volleyball, my son ran around the perimeter of the hall with a hula hoop round his waist and a green glittery pompom on his head. He was having fun, just not the social sort I had hoped.

I came away wondering what I had gained from this experience. My son had enjoyed himself most when alone and not interacting with the others. Should I be forcing him into these situations, I thought to myself. He doesn't seem to be getting anything out of it.

I found a balanced article on the subject on the Your Little Professor website.

One Autistic child said:  “If you like being on your own, then be happy with your own company and don’t let anyone convince you it’s wrong.” His advice to “pushy parents” is “Never force your child to socialize. Most Aspies and autistic people are happy to just be by themselves.”

So for now I won't be pushing it, although we do have a home-ed art class this week and a kids party at the weekend. Maybe I will bring along the hula hoop and green glittery pompom to keep him occupied...